The Relationship Question Every Woman Needs to Ask Herself

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When I was 13, my friend Joanne and I agreed to each reveal the name of the boy we liked, which of course, was top-secret information. We exchanged pieces of paper, counted to three, then read our choices.

“Shelly Turf?” she said, frowning at my paper. (Yes. That was his real name.) “Why him?”

I gushed rhapsodic about all of Shelly’s wonderful traits (his dimple! his curly hair!) and must have made a convincing case because one week later, Joanne — who was quite pretty — was Shelly’s new girlfriend. This was the first time I discovered that not all friends — are friends.

Fast forward to my 20s and 30s, the years I devoured self-improvement books and lessons about friendship. Avoid toxic people! Surround yourself with people whose eyes light up when you enter a room! But it wasn’t until Carolyn Myss’ 1996 book Anatomy of the Spirit that I learned to ask myself: Does this person enhance my energy or deplete it? If I were a cartoon character, I’d have cried: Eureka!

I’d often been a slow study, taking way too long to ask this question to figure out if a friendship wasn’t healthy for me. There was Paula who, when I was 40 and not in a relationship, would start every story about her new twins by saying, “Of course, you wouldn’t know because you don’t have children."

Then there was Candice, who liked me more when things weren’t going well. After I started dating my now-husband Randy, she’d call for updates on my new romance. “Any surprises yet?” she’d ask. As in bad surprises. She always seemed disappointed that nothing was wrong with Randy.

“He’s wonderful!” I’d say.

“Well, let’s see how things go,” she’d sigh.

After I started asking the is my energy enhanced or depleted question, friendships became clearer and simpler. When the answer was: definitely depleted, it was time to go, but then the question is: How?

Throughout the rigamarole of dating, I learned how to break up with romantic partners, but the same tack doesn’t work for a girlfriend. You can’t exactly say, “I’m sorry, but the spark is gone.”

If I stayed in a friendship past its expiration date, I’d make myself unavailable and let the relationship drift apart. I didn’t invent the avoidance technique. I’ve been dumped that way, too. My now former friend Marisa divorced when her husband fell in love with a co-worker. Twenty years later, Marisa was still consumed by the betrayal, angry at all men.

“Why can’t you move on?” I blurted one day. “He did!”

Marisa stopped returning calls. It took a while to realize I’d been dropped. That was it? She didn’t even want to discuss it? There must have been other ways I’d upset her, but I was left not knowing. I made a deal with myself that if I ended a friendship in the future, I’d handle things differently.

I held myself to that promise with Let’s-Call-Her-X. She’s a spirited storyteller and for years her tales of wacky relatives and inept bosses were always entertaining. But along the way, the balance of our relationship changed. She didn’t want a friend; she wanted an audience. She’d talk while I’d nod and be attentive, her me-me-me litanies definitely draining my energy. Maybe, but not always, she’d ask: “Oh — how are you?”

I felt I owed her an explanation why I couldn’t be her groupie anymore. I set up a coffee date and practiced all the mature, direct things I’d say to her… 

I feel we’re out of synch…

I don’t have the personal bandwidth…

I can’t be in your life the way you prefer...

I wanted to set a tone of gracious candor and not view her as toxic, but the relationship as toxic. But the closer we got to the day, the more I wanted to chicken out.

“Why is this so hard?” I asked my friend Bonnie, who enhances my energy. “I don’t know how to do this without feeling mean.”

“My cousin just calls if she needs a favor. When her name pops up on caller ID, I don’t answer,” she said. “Only have a conversation if you’re leaving the door open.”

“But I hated it when I didn’t know why I was ghosted.,” I lamented.

“Nobody makes things final with a talk,” Bonnie said. “Ask anyone.”

I did, a ridiculous amount of people, and — much to my fascination — not one had ever ended a friendship with a face-to-face conversation.

“It’s important to understand what you’re feeling and whether you want to share it,” says New York psychoanalyst Dr. Phyllis Urman Klein. “Ask yourself: ‘What will make me feel better — having the conversation or easing away?’ It can be painful to be told, ‘I don’t have time for you in my life.’ A conversation doesn’t need to be confrontational; view it as sharing your feelings.”

I kept the coffee date and did my usual nodding and listening. We were ready for the check when X finally said, “Hey! What’s new with you?”

I revved up my courage and said, “Well, since you asked…” and relayed how lopsided things had become, using the last hour and a half as an example.

She apologized and acknowledged that she sometimes talked too much; told me she wished I’d spoken up sooner. I wasn’t in the middle of a break-up, but a reconciliation. By the end of the coffee, we hugged. We’re officially still friends and so far so good.

Here’s my new policy: If someone flunks the energy in-or-out test, talk if you want to clear the air or kiss and make up. Perhaps you just need some downtime and can reconnect later. If you’re confident that it’s time to cut bait, there’s a tried-and-true method for friendship-ending, practically universal and considered possibly kinder: Just fade away. That tells it all: Sorry, not available.

But for the record, if you text me, Linda, let’s make a date and I respond, I’m crazy busy now! — don’t take it personally. I might really truly actually be busy. If I respond that way half a dozen times? Maybe we need to talk.

Have any of you ever had to drop a toxic friend? How did it go? Let us know in the comments below.