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Caution: you may want to shield your screen while reading this, if you’ve got grandchildren, coworkers or a starchy in-law nearby — because we’re about to discuss oral sex. Specifically, we're about to discuss how (and why) to give oral pleasure to a man 50, 60 and beyond. We’re not in high school anymore, my friends; the time has come to be frank.
Some men haven’t experienced oral bliss in 20 years. Some women haven’t either. However, despite any blushing, for the most part, it’s incredibly common to give and receive oral sex among us older folks. According to a National Institutes of Health study, more than 80 percent of men and 70 percent of women born after 1942 have given or received oral sex in their lives.
“Most people assume that people stop doing it after some vague age,” says sex researcher and professor of sociology Edward Laumann of the University of Chicago. The reality is that more than half of us ages 57 to 75 report regularly giving or receiving oral sex. About a third of those 75 to 85 do it too.
Paradoxically, part of what drives the interest in oral sex is that sexual dysfunctions are common among older adults. After menopause, a drop in hormones means we women can experience decreased sex drive and painful intercourse. As for our men, medications that treat blood pressure and depression can lessen desire and exacerbate erectile dysfunction. Also known as “ED,” the inability to achieve or maintain an erection is widespread as men get older, afflicting one in four, according to urologist Nannan Thirumavalavan, chief of Male Reproductive and Sexual Health at University Hospitals in Cleveland, Ohio.
Why brush up on your oral skills? The good news is that below-the-belt sex may play an important but overlooked role in maintaining an active sexual life and psychological vibrancy as we age. Oral sex can connect you and your partner and make you both feel rejuvenated. Reciprocity is key, so you should expect — and request — to get as good as you give.
But have men’s response to oral sex changed as their bodies have aged? To find out, I turned to the experts for tips — older dudes.
“When you’re 18 and a girl takes your penis in her mouth, all you can think about is how good it feels and how to stop yourself from ejaculating immediately,” says a long-married, 61 year old from Milwaukee. “After 50 years, the novelty wears off. Stress, distractions, money worries all can make it hard to ejaculate and actually hard to stay hard at all.”
He goes on to say that oral sex is an intimate method of communication, so “make eye contact. Use noises to show you like it. But also, don’t focus on the orgasm. Especially now that I’m older, I may not climax from oral sex. That’s okay. It still feels great. As we get older, especially with a regular partner, sex is not about fantasy or raw eroticism. It’s about deep love, safety and emotional connection.”
Indeed, oral sex should not be viewed as a graded performance. Don’t make orgasm the goal, especially as men age and “finishing” gets more challenging. So don’t worry about the age-old “to swallow or not swallow” question because chances are good that there may not be ejaculation, no matter what you do.
This male Californian approaching 60 adds these techniques (which I wish I’d learned 40 years ago): He suggests using light teeth pressure and a firm tongue to stimulate the skin on the head of penis, the most sensitive part of the organ.
He also shares that too much foreplay for older men can result in the loss of erection. “Sometimes, my partner and I go straight to penetration first — so we feel satisfied, like we’ve officially had sex — then we explore oral more leisurely.”
The adage “variety is the spice of life” clearly informs oral sex’s ability to rev up your sex life. We all fall into ruts, predictable patterns that can turn the hotness of intimacy lukewarm. Whatever your usual rhythm or location for sex, vary the place and shake up set routines for more eroticism. Choose an unhurried moment to get the most out of oral sex. Plan ahead, since many older men need to take medications right before performance.
“Please, no unzipping my pants when I’m in the middle of something like working, reading or watching TV,” says a 56-year-old New York investment banker who gave this interview while on a Vermont ski retreat with, of all things, his church group. “Sex in an airplane bathroom sounded erotic when I was younger,” he adds. “Now, that kind of spontaneity and the fact that I can’t respond properly just reminds me of how old I’ve gotten. Contrary to some popular beliefs, after a certain age, men don’t want head 24/7.”
Another stalwart skill to brush up on is telling it like it is. One of the biggest benefits to being older, wiser and more experienced sexually is that many of us are more comfortable talking about what we desire, in oral sex and beyond. The New York banker advises specific communication: Like, "is that fast enough? Do you like it slower? Should I hold you harder’?” He also confesses that older men need guidance, too. “Believe it or not, some men get more humility as we age. We can admit we need help navigating the female body. We want to please you as much, or sometimes more, than we want our own pleasure.” Especially when it comes to oral sex.
So be frank in your communication, experiment with new techniques, and explore different add-ons to your sexual patterns. That’s where the fun is. We only live once, and we’re never too old to learn a few new tricks.
Do you find your sex drive waning as you age? Let us know in the comments below.
Kiersten Essenpreis
Follow Article Topics: Sex-&-Intimacy
