How Taking Intercourse Off the Table Can Lead to Better Sex

Biologically, the only reason to have sex is for procreation. Period. From an evolutionary viewpoint, it makes sense for young, healthy people to procreate, which is why people who are sick, or simply older (the biologically unsuitable), are less likely to be sexually active. It is also worth noting that, assisted reproductive techniques aside, procreation requires intercourse.

But with longer life expectancies, sexual activity remains important long after making babies is on the agenda. Pleasure, emotional intimacy and a feeling of commitment and trust are far more important motivators for physical intimacy than the biology of evolution.

The good news? Once procreation is off the table, sexual activity is frequently much more satisfying when intercourse is no longer the expected grand finale.

Barriers to entry

Studies show that 70 percent of post-menopause women have vaginal dryness. For many, if not most, of the over-50 crowd, intercourse is painful. For others, it is not even possible. More than half the men in that same age group have erectile dysfunction. While those situations have solutions, many couples, for a variety of reasons, choose not to use the pharmaceuticals needed to facilitate penile-vaginal intercourse. In addition, there are a number of medical circumstances in which intercourse is out of the question, either temporarily or permanently. And that’s where the concept of “the new normal” comes in.

The new normal

The new normal is sex with no expectation of, or attempts at, intercourse. Rather, satisfaction is a result of sexual activity that may include mutual masturbation, external clitoral stimulation, oral sex, or maybe even just kissing and hugging.

For women, sexual activity without the anxiety and expectation of dry, painful sex is liberating. For men who have an uncooperative penis, it is also a huge relief to be able to be sexual, and satisfy their partner, without the expectation of an instant and lasting rock-hard erection.

Can you have a pleasurable sex life without vaginal intercourse?

Let’s start with the fact that up to 80 percent of women do not orgasm during intercourse but instead require clitoral stimulation. Taking intercourse off the menu has zero or minimal impact on female pleasure.

There is also a lot to be said for doing something new. It is an irrefutable fact that familiarity and lack of novelty breed boredom in the bedroom. Many couples, after being together for decades, find that they have fallen into a “sex pattern” that is no longer exciting.

Shaking up the monotony of monogamy with non-penetrative activities involving fingers, lips, and toys is not only a relief, but can take sexual satisfaction to a whole new level. Many couples find that with the introduction of new creative approaches to sexual pleasure, non-penetrative sex is more pleasurable than straight-up intercourse ever was. Penis and pleasure are not the same thing. There is only one requirement for this to work. There needs to be an actual conversation in which you both agree that going forward, you are going to redefine what happens when you get naked.

That conversation can go something like this:

“I am wildly attracted to you and would like to be sexual with you, but I think it would be a lot more pleasurable for both of us if we stuck to sexual activity that does not include intercourse.”

And then you whip out the massage oil, vibrator and ... well, I will leave it to you to come up with your “new normal.” Some men are stuck on the necessity of intercourse and may need additional intervention to get on board. This may be in the form of a book such as Becoming Cliterate, by Laurie Mintz, or even a few sessions with a couples-certified sex therapist.

Non-penetrative sex in mid-life and older couples is far more common that you may think. In recent scientific studies, sexual activity is no longer defined as penile-vaginal intercourse, but as physical activity that results in sexual satisfaction including manual, oral, and anal play. Many couples find that without the pressure of penetration, sexual activity can become even more satisfying.

As more than one patient has told me, “We don’t have intercourse, but we have great sex!”