This Is the Key Conversation to Have Before You Die

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I was having lunch with a long-time friend when she commented on the necklace I was wearing. Is it new, she asked? It’s both new and old; I answered and explained that it was from a favorite aunt who, before she passed away, gave it to me as a token of her love. “She was like a mother to me; I wear the necklace close to my heart. It’s my inheritance,’’ I added jokingly.

She looked confused. Isn’t an inheritance something you receive after someone passes away? she asked. Sure, I responded. By definition — or in the most common or traditional form — whether it be money or a prized possession, it’s traditionally received after the person passes away. But a gift can also be given while the person is alive. The good part about doing so allows the giver to see how their loved one enjoys their gift.

But be aware that gifts given while you are still alive can strain family relationships just as much as when the giver is gone. Either way, it’s best to plan ahead and explain the reason behind your decision because too often the causes of family dysfunction are over who receives which favorite item.

When my daughter Kimberly admired a pearl ring I wore, I said that I would leave it for her in my will. But on second thought, I wondered if her two sisters would also want the ring, and worried that giving it to one would create jealousy and discourse among the other two. Luckily, the other two were not interested but that got me thinking about the pieces of jewelry I still wear but don’t want them fighting over when I’m gone.

Here are some strategies — and mistakes — from other older friends who grapple with issues over who in their own families gets what and when.

I liked the sensible solution suggested by my friend Pauline in her later years. She has a drawer full of jewelry that she knew her daughters and a favorite cousin always admired. So to avoid jealousy and chaos when she is gone, she invited the women to come see what jewelry they would like to inherit someday. She then directed them to list the items they would want later on. Pauline figures that she can still wear the jewelry she loves, but no longer worries whether there would be jealousy and chaos among her loved ones later on.

When my friend Florence’s husband passed away, she wanted to give his car to one of her four grandsons. She worried, however, if giving the auto to one would upset the other three. Florence told me that she had wanted to give the car to the grandson who would be hard pressed to purchase one on his own.

But rather than make the three other grandsons feel that he was being rewarded for not doing well, she asked for their opinions. Luckily the young men agreed with her decision, as they were able to purchase their own cars. What if your grandsons hadn’t agreed, I asked Florence? Rather than create friction among the boys, she explained that she would sell the car and divide the profits equally among them.

Not all families are as understanding as Florence’s. Unfortunately things didn’t work as well for another friend Steve’s children. When he was on his deathbed, he asked his wife to give his expensive Rolex watch to his estranged son, with hopes the young man would remember him as the dad who loved him.

Unfortunately, Steve’s daughter, who had cared for their ailing dad, was furious. “I took him on walks in the park, I baked his favorite cookies and my brother gets rewarded for doing nothing,’’ she said angrily, who would no longer speak to her younger sibling.

A discussion beforehand could have avoided the sibling’s disruption, and perhaps could have helped Steve to understand his daughter’s resentment. Then, he could have made other plans to express his love to his estranged son.

And while a will or giving a gift is a personal decision, sensitivity is crucial to reducing potential family conflicts. When Francine was drawing up a will, she told her children that her jewelry is to be divided between her daughter and her ex-daughter-in-law (and the mother of her grandchildren). Her son, who had recently remarried, feared this plan would be hurtful to his new wife.

But Francine defended her decision and said rather unkindly, “A will is a personal decision. It’s your divorce; not mine.’’ It’s true that Francine had the right to do as she pleased with her belongings, but she could have avoided potential family discourse had she thought through the effects of her decision and perhaps been more considerate of her son’s feelings.

Too bad 89-year-old Roger didn’t get the sensitivity message when he gave his widow’s gold necklace to 82-year-old Myra, his sweetheart (as he refers to her) who resides a floor below him in his senior community. “It’s a token of his love,’’ Myra proudly announced at dinner one evening, after the couple had been dating for only a few months. When his daughters learned that their mother’s necklace went to their dad’s new girlfriend, they were enraged.

As thoughtless as it sounds it’s not unusual for an elderly widow or widower to feel giddy when a new love enters their life and in this case, to give away a meaningful family treasure to an outsider. So before a will is being read, think hard about honest discussions as to who gets what.

As for me, my three daughters love the two needlepoint pillows with the beautiful butterflies that I made years ago. To avoid friction , I think I'll make a third one before my arthritis gets the better of me!

 

How many of you have a will? Have you worked out who will get what when it comes to your belongings? Let us know in the comments below.